Day 34: Sleep to Dream
Shiva’s Moon.
Oracle: Shiva
Every morning I pray to the Shiva on the side of the Kali temple…Shiva is my Ishta (chosen form of God to worship)…
Woke up to Shiva Shiva Hara Hara.
Made it to 5 am Archana (chanting 1000 names of the Divine Mother): makes such a difference in energy to get up between 4 and 6 am (Brahma Muhurta)
interesting acupuncture session—she went straight for my heart. She is from Spain and did not speak any English—the only word she said when plunging the first needle right into the center of my chest was: “emotional”
Had so many dreams when I took a cat nap between 7 and 8 am this morning (medicine is knocking me out) about processing fears, jealousy, boundaries in relationships and how it ties back to early childhood stuff—especially with my Scorpio grandfather: Harley Peterson…may he rest in peace. He was my first powerful male role model growing up because we lived with him. He looked like a tall version of Picasso—dark skin—musky—-black eyes—black hair—completely powerful, charismatic and terrifying. He must have had Saturn on the ascendant considering the way he looked. I never until this moment realized the impact this man had on my life. A militant disciplinarian, he used to threaten to throw my toys in the fireplace if I didn’t pick them up. I would always call his bluff (Scorpio to Scorpio) and march right up to the fireplace myself ready to cast the innocent Fisher Price pieces to their incendiary death.
Confession: I do want a relationship—a deep, holy, serious and committed one with someone I trust. I have had enough betrayal for a lifetime and when I’m in deep with someone I truly love I’m probably loyal to a fault.
Relinquish: Being “too” sweet. It’s in my nature to be easy-going, serene but I’ve worked hard at becoming honest, authentic and straight-forward even if it kills my private Scorpio side that prefers to remain hidden.
Sacrifice: Sleep and pride.
I confessed to my boyfriend today that I was jealous and hurt—-two emotions nobody wants to ever confess, especially in an ashram setting where every song and talk is about how pinning any kind of attachment or expectation from outer sources leads to suffering. I know this and yet I think the key is to keep God/Guru at the center and try to love as fiercely and honestly as possible while remaining true to Self and committed to making ourselves happy.
As soon as I confessed, we joked around and it showed me that my ego really wasn’t attached. I just wanted to know where I stood in the relationship. Once the parameters of a relationship are set and there is trust—jealousy falls away and the small misunderstandings can easily roll off the back or appear ridiculous. I mean if someone wants to go off with someone else as my ex-husband did (which was for the best because it was just karma that needed to get played out—something was always off with that relationship), usually they are doing you a huge favor. It’s just when it’s unclear and you’re not sure if you can trust that these feelings may arise. Anyway, in the end God is the only refuge and source of lasting security and this has to remain in the forefront of one’s mind and heart so that one never projects a God onto a human. Saturn in Libra is teaching us how to navigate the boundaries and commitments in our human relationships. As with all Saturn’s greatness: once there is intention and commitment, one can experience great depth and transformation—a relationship of the highest caliber that endures.
